I have to post my own work. GOC beat me to it, but with his suggestion, I put the 2000 on it.

When name calling is not swearing...Part 5 (final installment)

KYI 2-0

With a totally dominating performance, I won my fantasy football game 71-43. There is only three undefeated teams left in the league. Next week we take on Kaiser's Krushers. I am not going to take this team easy. I am favored already by 11. Should be an interesting game. 3-0 would be a nice way to start the season.

When name calling is not swearing...Part 4

When name calling is not swearing...Part 3

When name calling is not swearing...Part 2

When name calling is not swearing...Part 1

And then there were ten...

Nascar Update - The Chase Begins...

With the Chase finally beginning with next week's race at New Hampshire, I just want to put out (again) that I am pulling for Tony Stewart. All five of Roush's cars will be out there, this is going to be a tough challenge. GO TONY!!!

1. 20 - Tony Stewart - 5050 - Will hold on to the lead and win a second championship
2. 16 - Greg Biffle - 5045 - Good charge at the end of the regular season
3. 2 - Rusty Wallace - 5040 - Rusty's Last Call, could a championship be served with that?
4. 48 - Jimmie Johnson - 5035 - JACKASS
5. 97 - Kurt Busch - 5030 - The Ferret-brother will not repeat
6. 6 - Mark Martin - 5025 - Would be nice to see him get one before he retires...NEXT YEAR
7. 19 - Jeremy Marfield - 5020 - Hey Jer-e-my!
8. 99 - Carl Edwards - 5015 - Can't wait to see him land on his head one of these times
8. 17 - Matt Kenseth - 5015 - Ok, you kept Gordan out, time to hit the wall
10. 12 - Ryan Newman - 5005 - Same as Kenseth, maybe Jarrett can help you with that

Kentucky Intimidators 1-0

After the conclusion of Sunday's games, KYI won their season opener 36-28. There is a still a long season to go. There may be a few changes to the team come later this week. Look for Kyle Boller to be cut. The problem will come with finding a decent QB to use for a back up (ie Favre's bye week). Speaking of Favre, hopefully this week was an off week. May be dressing more than four receivers could help. How can you have and depth/rotation with only four WRs in GB?

Now for your 2005-2006 Kentucky Intimidators

QB-GB Brett Favre
RB-DAL Julius Jones
WR-CIN Chad Johnson
WR-DEN Ashley Lelie
WR-OAK Randy Moss
TE-NYG Jeremy Shockey
K-CIN Shayne Graham
DST-OAK Raiders

Bench
QB-BAL Kyle Boller
QB-GB Craig Nall
RB-TEN Chris Brown
RB-PHI Brian Westbrook
WR-OAK Jerry Porter
WR-NO Donte Stallworth
WR-ATL Roddy White
TE-DEN Jeb Putzier
K-NYJ Mike Nugent
DST-SD Chargers

REVENGE

They just can't leave well enough alone. The greatest man in bicycle racing retires and the French want to piss him off. This once again shows how dumb they can be. Finally someone from France or even that, another county, could have a chance to win the tour. So what do they do? Attack him! Put a black spot on his legacy! How dare they? Now he might come out of retirement to get his eighth Tour in a row and REVENGE. You all know me, I like the number 8.

Excuses, Excuses

Crayola introduces a new crayon!!!

Katrina Story Gets to Take a Back Seat

With the passing of Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, the Katrina Relief story gets to stop at a rest stop. This is really big news because now GWB gets to name two Court Justices within a year's time. The battle for John Roberts will be very interesting with another appointment around the corner and possibly a third before the end of Bush's term. I am sure John Roberts will get through, no problem. This next one, I am sure, will be considered an "extreme circumstance" to Democrats. It will be extreme because they are loosing more grip of the government. I wonder what psycho-babble will come flying out from the left.

I have to say, President Bush has a huge plate. The war in Iraq, the war on terror, the confirmation of John Roberts, selecting another Justice, Sheehan (but I think Bush is done with her), and finally Katrina.

New Orleans is definitly going to take some time, a long time. New Orleans will be up and running efficiently by the time Bush it out of office. He will go down in history known for many things. Just take a look at the small list above.

Unfortunately, Mayor "I don't give a fuck" and Govornor "Oh, was I supposed to do something?" did very little for the people of the New Orleans area. It takes a person that will go the extra mile. GWB has started the clean up of someone else's mess. Actually looking back on past Natural Disasters, he about right on time for federal response.

I have read a lot on the internet the past couple of days. I know hind sight is 20/20, but there was so much that they could have done.

When they tell you that is a Manditory Evacuation, that means...

You have about one hour to get as many belongings that you can fit in one duffle bag (one bag per person). A bus is sent to each block to fill up with CIVILIANS (you know, the people that the mayor and govornor are sworn to protect?).

There are many cities that would be able to shelter all of these people. If you have common sense, I don't need to list all of the types of buildings that could be used as a sleep over (that is what the Superdome was intended to be). This way they are not in the crosshairs.

There was plenty of time to evacuate the entire city. There would have not been one death, unless it was natural causes. How can that mayor sleep at night, knowing he had all the resources to save so many lives?

What the hell?

I cannot believe it is now Thursday and Nascar has not fined Dale Jarrett for causing an intentional caution. That is against Nascar rules.

Section 12-4 (N)of the 2005 Nextel Cup Rulebook says, "Any driver who in the judgment of NASCAR officials intentionally causes or attempts to cause a caution condition by stopping or spinning out or any other action [shall suffer]: a fine, and/or loss of points, and/or loss of finishing.

I am not a Ryan Newman fan, but what he did was not intentional. What Jarrett did was. Going into turn three, he slowed down so Newman would go high. When they got into the middle of the turn, Jarrett turn RIGHT to clip Newman's back fender spinning both of them. It also gave Kevin Harvick a DNF.

I remember a race when JR was loosing laps and spun out going into a turn with no one around him. He was slapped with a $10,000 fine. Why aren't the same rules applied here? Was it because Jarrett is a past champion? No, that can't be it. SR used to get away with all the time. Sorry Mr. Jarrett, the bad boy image doesn't work for you. There is one other scenario. Maybe Nascar is saying that the two lap penalty was enough. Come on Nascar. Obviously you were saying that wreck was intentional. So next time you want you attempt to put your balls on the table and penalize a driver to taking out another in retaliation, how about holding that driver until the other driver's car is repaired, then accessing the two lap penalty?

Good News

Good news everyone. Rob is ok. I got home from work and checked the site. There was a brief comment. I am looking forward to his up and coming posts. I am sure he will have a few stories.

The Cartoon Says It All

Foamy the Squirrel with a Hurricane Report

Where is Rob?

Sunday night I started looking for bloggers in the New Orleans area that was going to attempt to ride out the storm. I was thinking it might be interesting to get a first hand account of a hurricane as it happened. I came accross CrabAppleLane.net from Bush, LA. So I bookmarked it for the following morning.

My work week is Tuesday thru Saturday. I like having Mondays off, because now that the kids are in school, I get to spend more time with Mrs. B.

I woke up Monday morning. I started the coffee, grabbed a cigarette, and fired up the laptop. I changed the Weatherbug to New Orleans zip code, so I could get the better radar. I brought up CrabAppleLane.net. I read his latest post from 5:10am. From the looks of it, he stayed up most of the night. His last post was at 6:26am.

6:26AM - The wind has intensified significantly. A big branch landed with a thud just outside my window. The rain hasn’t been that bad. We’ve experienced a few power hiccups but nothing major yet. Next entry will be after daylight, power permitting.

He was supposedly not alone. He was with family members of Mama and Patsy. There are also family members that lived in the area. Janine, Michael, and their children in Mandeville. David stayed in Slidell. (all of this info has been found by their "Family Blog".

I do not know any of these people. I came across their websites by pure accident. I look at as that God would want me to pray for their safe return. Please keep them in your prayers, along with all other victims and families affected by Katrina. I have never worried so much about a total stranger. Kind of odd. But these people are fellow Americans.

Katrina

Our country has been through many trials and tribulations. We may get knocked down to our knees, but we always rise up. Why? Because we are Americans! We have always come to the aid of our fellow man. We also know, that when it is our turn to go through troubling times, other fellow Americans will help in hour of need.

We pray for all of those victims and families that are affected by this tragedy.

Look at my piggy bank after I bought gas today!!!

How many of you would proudly where this pin?

The New Gas Prices

More of the "Proof"

Now, that is pimpin!!!

There is a truck load of this stuff headed to Crawford, TX.

Political Correctness Defined

Honest Weeks Work

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a
little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that
we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time . .

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more
or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave
her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the
end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"
she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied,"I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fucking sheetrock!

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE

The shit has hit the fan, literally. Right before the up and coming season of college basketball, UC President Dr. Nancy Zimpher has accentually FIRED UC Head Basketball Coach Bob Huggins.

Either way, UC basketball will be going into the Big East conference without its esteemed coach of 16 years, the winningest coach in school history. He's led the Bearcats to 14 consecutive NCAA tournament appearances.

Nice way to send a great coach out on his coat tales, bitch. This is something that happens at the end of a season, NOT THE BEGINNING. He should have had the chance to take his last team out as winners. The reason that you are going to the Big East Zimpher, is because of Huggins. Not your short two years as President. Apparently this is one department of UC that DID NOT NEED A CHANGE.

Look at these numbers and look again at why young students want to attend your college. They want to be apart of the Huggins era.

His 542-191 record ranks him seventh in winning percentage among active division one coaches.
Those wins include 10 conference regular season titles and eight league tournament titles for the Bearcats. He's also taken the team to the NCAA tourney 14 times in a row.

You are just upset because no one knows who you are when it comes to UC history.

Not only does Huggins get the shaft, so does the players. They have spent the entire summer getting accustomed to Huggins' system. Now that is all trash. Time to start anew. This will last into the season, because the new coach will not have the total trust and respect that Huggins had with them. They all knew that Huggins would stand shoulder to shoulder with them when facing any opponent on the court. This is a coach that can take control of a situation when the pressure is on late in the game. He knows how to handle a young, talented Freshman when he needs to make the winning shot. Many of the player come from far away to play for Huggins. They could have easily have signed with bigger named schools closer to home. But no, they want to play for Huggy-bear.

In the end the fans get the shaft. For just about the same reasons above, us fans do not know if the new coach can make the right call, when it is all on the line.


Can you say, NIT???

Weight Loss Program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs.

As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do that, he ran across an

ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

“Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he
called them up and subscribed to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there was a knock on his door, and when he answered, there
stood before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed
in nothing but air, some Nike running shoes, and a sign
around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he took off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally caught her and got the action he was
hoping for.

After they were through and she left, he thought to himself, "I like
the way this company does business!"

The same girl showed up for the next two days and the same thing
happened.

On the fourth day, he weighed himself and was delighted to find he
had lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He called the company and ordered their 5-day / 20 pound program.

The next day there was a knock on the door and there stood the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read,
"If you catch me, you can have me." He was out the door after her like a shot.

This girl was in excellent shape and it took him a while to catch her, but when he did, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happened. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighed himself and found he had lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program "Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone.

This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there was a knock at the door and when he opened it he
found a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but Pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that read, "If I catch you, you're mine."

"PROOF" that Women are Evil

Women takes time and money.

Women = time x money

Time IS money

Women = money x money = money ^ 2

Money is the root of all evil

money = sqrt(evil)
=> money^2 = evil

since women = money^2

women = evil :)

Protesting Mom's Husband Wants a Divorce

Patrick Sheehan filed the divorce petition Friday in Solano County court, northeast of San Francisco.

The White House on Monday again issued a statement saying that Bush sympathizes with Sheehan. The president has given no indication that he will meet with her. (AGAIN!!!)

This Week in Nascar

I didn't post anything last week. There wasn't much to post about. The only positive note that I really had, was that Truex won another race. He is running away with his REPEAT Championship. Congrats to Tony for his dream of Indy. He is an awesome driver. He is most likely the driver I am going to go with for the Chase. I am a football guy and when Joe Gibbs is guy you drive for, I will root for you. I root for mainly DEI, RCR, and JGR drivers. So at the end of the season, when Tony as his second championship, don't say I didn't tell you so. He has been on a streak lately, winning five of his last seven races. With four races until the Chase, it looks as if he will be the leader going in.

JR finished 10th. He is now 163 points out of 10th. It is time now to stop looking for points. The possibilities of making the Chase are next to nil. Time to hook up the car to go all out and go for wins. Let the chips fall where they may. With Michigan (2 miles), Bristol (0.533 miles), California (2 miles), and Richmond (0.75 miles) left, anything can happen.

Here is the present standings. Still to close to call on who will be in the Top 10 to qualify.

Special Friday Pun (in honor of GOC)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Meet CJ

You are probably wondering why I haven't posted in a while. I have been very busy with this guy. He is really keeping me on my toes. It is like having another child all over again. He is constantly getting into things that he doesn't need to be in. In the long run it will be worth it. To have a dog in the house is added security. We just need to get through the house breaking without me breaking him. It should take a week or two and then everything should be roses.

In support of GOC.

Do you think this runner needs to be tested for steroids?

Little E

Here is photo of my snake. This is from his last feeding.

Doughnuts anyone?

What is that, they're glazed?

Coffee Machine

1. CLICK ON THE LINK - COFFEE MACHINE
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI" (this one is very important, don't forget!)

Sheer Lingerie

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several items that range from $250 to $500. The more sheer, the more expensive. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Goodness ! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"


He never heard the shot.


Funeral is Friday.

Operation Redneck

The Pentagon announced today the formation
of a new 500-man elite fighting unit named the
U. S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These men from Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky,
Virginia, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas,
Alabama, Georgia, and Texas will be dropped into
Iraq and will be given only the following info about
the Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, dogs, pickup trucks, old
country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the
death of Dale Earnhardt.

The war in Iraq should be over IN ABOUT A WEEK.

Dumb dog

Whats up?

I haven't posted for a while. I just haven't been up to typing. I have been spending more hours at work, so coming home and typing just doesn't sound like fun.
I have been exploring a few other avenues of entertainment.

I took my kids out to Blockbuster the other day and bought Nascar Thunder 2003. Yes, 2003. I know it is used, but it was only ten bucks. I can get my Nascar fix any time I want now. I haven't started a season yet. I am still having problems with a few tracks.

I didn't do my usual Nascar post. Why? Did you watch the race? Junior got put down two laps and never recovered from it. The first lap down was because he got passed because he was in the pits. The other was from the penalty for leaving pit road at 143 MPH from the same pit stop. He needs to keep his cool. One lap down can be recovered from because of the "Lucky Dog". Don't get me started on that. The way I look at that rule is to take advantage of it. If Nascar sets the rules, then everyone is racing by them. He is now 110 point out of 10th with 6 races left until the Chase. He still has a chance to make it. He cannot have any more mistakes along the way. May be this week off will do him some good. A win at Indy would be a nice step in the right direction.

We finally have a story that the MSM cannot mess up. Nasa is back in space as we all know. I really don't think they could put a liberal spin on it. Any way, here is a like to a page on Nasa.gov. You are able to watch the shuttle live.

Smoke

Smoke has "Spidey Sense" to get to the front

Tony Stewart has three wins in the last four races. He is on top of his game right now. Could he be doing too much too early? We are still seven races away from the Chase. Can he really keep this run for 17 more races to win the championship? Time will only tell. He is one hell of a driver. He can drive the wheels of anything. All you have to do is tell him it is race and he will give it his all. From the looks of it lately, he has been winning the races to the donut table as well. If he keeps winning races and making those climbs to the flag stand and giving back to the fans, he may just loose that little extra.

"Trust me, I'll be glad to be panting like a dog when I get up there," he said. "It's something they like and I'll keep doing it for them."

"Yes, I'm still too old and too fat to be doing that stuff," the 34-year-old driver said. "I'm probably going to fall and bust my butt before its over. I'm glad they let me go through the gate instead of climbing back down."

Bobby Labonte has had a hard luck season. Seated 23, -818 points, he is looking to next year. There has been a lot of speculation about him driving for Gibbs in 2006.

"It's one of those deals that any time you don't run well in this sport, you're going to be in the rumor mill -- that's just part of life, you know?" Gibbs said. "It's the same in the NFL, if you're not performing well.
"Here, you get a report card every week of where you rank-up; from first to 43rd, so you kind of can see that. What people don't see is the team and the teamwork behind it and all the work that goes into it."
"Like I said before on Friday, it's amazing how great the media is for you 90 percent of the time," Labonte said. "That 10 percent that I had on Friday disrupts the race team pretty bad."
"I've got strong ties at Joe Gibbs Racing so I'm not worried about that -- I just want to run good. There is no truth to the rumor (that Labonte is leaving)."

I really don't see Joe Gibbs getting rid of a previous champion. Joe is a football guy and knows that you have bad seasons. Not everybody or every team be at the top of the standings every year. Every week you go out and give a 100% and try for a win or settle for a great finish. Bobby finished third this week, even though he had electrical problems late in the race. He had to turn off all of the fans to allow enough electric to power the engine. This allowed tire pressure to build up. Otherwise it might have been a 1-2 finish for Joe Gibbs Racing.

Also, like in the NFL, you make a few changes in the off season and prepare for the next season. In Nascar, it could be changes in the shop and the pit crew. I am waiting for the day when we start seeing some sort of "Free Agency" when it comes to the guys in the pits. It is a physical and dangerous job to go over the wall. With pit times needing to be faster, the pit crew members are needing to train and be in great condition.

It looks as if we will only have ten drivers in the Chase, as the 400 point cut off is now in the Top 10. Dale Jarrett is in 10th at 418 back. This is now the covetted spot, which creates a new "Chase".

Matt Kenseth is in 16th, 150 points behind Jarrett. This late in the season, that
is pushing it. I really don't think he has a chance of making it. Jamie McMurray
will probably make sure of it next week. He never did his retaliation. "I just kind of got dumped," McMurray said. "It was pretty deliberate."


Jeff Gordon is in 15th at 120 back of the 88. He is hanging on hope at this
point. He would be a lot closer if his brakes didn't fail towards the end
yesterday.

Kevin Harvick in 14th, -105, needs to put some Top 10s. If he can start doing that on a regular basis again, he will be in the Chase.

Dale Earnhardt Jr is 13th at 59 points back of Jarrett. It could become the new "Dale -n- Dale Show". With a 3rd, 1st, and 9th place finish in the last three weeks, there has been a new breath of life for this team. It looks as if Nascar will get its "Most Favorite Driver" in the Chase.

Carl Edwards sitting 12th at 54 points out is nothing to look past. Even though I don't like him for he is a Roush driver, he is a strong contender to make it.

Jamie McMurray got the shaft this past week by Kenseth. McMurray lost three positions this week, falling out of the Top 10. His is 21 points out. As long as Jamie doesn't get into a car war with the 17, this past week will only be a minor set back. Don't look past the fact that he is only 114 points out of 5th. From Kurt Busch on back it is packed full of drivers.

Nothing is set in stone as of yet.

What happened to the flagman bringing the flag to the driver?

Baseball and Steroids, what a happy couple.

Winning is the best Medicine

With the news of Michael Waltrip leaving DEI at the end of the season, Truex did what he knows best, WIN. He held Carl Edwards off on a Green-White-Checkered to get his fifth and series leading win of the season. He has a total of 11 Busch Series wins in his career and building. There is 15 races left in the season and Truex has built a commanding lead of 142 points over Clint Bowyer. Even though Carl Edwards missed a race at Nashville Superspeedway, Martin has enough points over Carl to cover one race. Carl is 220 points out. Yes, he would be more of a contender for the Championship, but that is the price you pay for being a dumbass, trying to do two full seasons at once, and not to mention, driving for Roush Racing.

Michael Waltrip moving on is a big blow to DEI. I didn't see this coming. If you read the article linked above, you can see that it all came down to Mikey wanting Tony Eury Jr. as his crew chief. With that looking to be the sticking point, it hints that Tony will be in charge of Dale Jr's pit crew again.

In an earlier post, I predicted that Mikey would easily renew his contract. I like my crow medium-rare. I looked over the fields in both Nextel and Busch. I really don't see any canidates for the 15-car. In the next few weeks, I am sure there will be names in the rumor mill. Once I see something credible, I will be blogging one way or the other.

I would like to say that I have enjoyed the seasons with Mikey behind the wheel. Good luck in the rest of your career.

THE FANTASTIC 2!!!

Job Application (from insanepictures.com)

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Women's Speedometer

Dale Earnhardt Jr get first win of season at Chicagoland

This is exactly what this team needed, a win. To find the winners circle is a big step in the right direction. Dale Jr chased down his first victory of 2005.

The last of 10 caution flags waved on Lap 249, when Mike Bliss and Jeff Gordon crashed, giving all the leaders a last chance to pit on a day when right-side tires were blistering and causing numerous blowouts and crashes.

Scott Wimmer stayed on the track and took the lead, while Earnhardt and several other drivers took only two tires and moved ahead of both Kenseth and Tony Stewart, who took four tires after coming into the pits first and second. (They came out 9th and 10th.)

The green flag came out on Lap 255, and it took Earnhardt three laps to get past Wimmer, who then faded quickly. (Wimmer gambled and finished 17th.)Meanwhile, Kenseth charged toward the front, grabbing second place from Brian Vickers on Lap 261.

But Kenseth couldn't catch Earnhardt, finishing about five car-lengths back.

I do admit, Matt Kenseth had the dominate car. For the longest time, him and Tony Stewart drove away from the field. Yes, that Tony that wrecked in practice and had to start from last because JJ Yeley qualified his car. He can drive the wheels of anything. The short pit strategy late in the race was key for Jr. I told my wife this morning that he was going to pull off something like that for a win. With last week's top five finish and this week's win, this team is starting to standup again. Hopefully eight more weeks of it to be eligible for the playoffs.

Congrats Junior!!!

Now only the Top 10 reside with the invitations for the Chase. Dale Jarrett is only nine points out at 409. Carl Edwards -475, Dale Jr -491, Kevin Harvick -496, and Jeff Gordon -502 still have a eight weeks to get under the 400 point cutt off.

This guy is hilarious...

link

Happy 4th of July!!!

Nascar Update

Tony Stewart dominates Daytona

What more is there to say? Tony Stewart just crushed the competition at Daytona. He led 151 of 160 laps. This is two wins in a row for Smoke. He is showing now, that he is ready for the Chase to begin. He may even enter the Chase in the points lead. He is only 136 pts out of first. Hopefully he keeps some of this bottled up until then. He will be attempting to go after his second championship this year. If they keep building cars like that, Tony will be able to drive off with a passenger.

As for Junior, he finished in 3rd. This is keeps his season on life support as he is now 506 points out. He needs to make up 106 to qualify for the post season. May be this is the "push" in the right direction. I think now that everything has been put out in the open, the emotional baggage, and the in-team rivalry put aside, both Michael Waltrip's and Dale Jr's seasons are going to make dramatic turns. Look for them both to make the Chase.

There is now 13 drivers eligible for the Chase, which is in nine weeks. If you watch any of NBC last night, that was pounded into your head. Who will finally make the cut? There are some serious contenders in there. Rusty Wallace is 205 points back in 5th. He could make his final year, his best year. If Mark Martin (8th, -310) stays out of the kind of trouble that he got into last night, he could do the same. Kurt Busch (9th, -348) knows how to use the points racing to his advantage. That is how he got last year's championship.

There is no one age group dominating the points this year. It is spread out amongst the field. This could be a very interesting year, if there is more than ten in the Chase. There would be a lot of mid week hype in the news medial. The stories would be endless, just what Nascar is looking for during NFL season. I have to say, what keeps me motivated about Junior's chances is that Nascar commercial about Jeremy Mayfield (11th, -349) making it into the Chase on the last lap of the 26th race. Keep diggin' JR.

The two droppers of the week were Mark Martin and Carl Edwards (12th, -351). They both lost three positions in the standings due to wrecking out. The biggest jumper was Dale Jarrett of two spots to 10th, -348.

Two of Three Locked Up

After Martin Truex Jr's win Friday night in the Busch Series, he announced a three year contract extension to stay with DEI. The only adjustment is that they will bring his crew, car, sponser and all to the Nextel Cup Series. This is relief to fans, as Truex has been apart of the Silly Season rumor mill.

While I was catching up this great news, I found this. Michael Waltrip doesn't have a contract for next season. I willing to go out on a limb here and say, now that Truex is under contract, DEI can focus on resigning Waltrip. It may take him to qualify for the Chase, but I don't think that DEI would hold their mistake of the car swap fiasco against Mikey. I see the three horse stall of Junior, Truex, and Waltrip next season.

Pre-Nascar Update

I just want to say for now. After watching two and a half hours of Countdown to Green/NBC Nascar Pre-Race, I would like a dollar for every time I hear Chase for the Cup or any reference there of.

Funny Video

Maybe this will happen soon...

Drinking Buddies

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Syracuse, N.Y. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz --- You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch. They get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side-effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have ahangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing...Have you farted yet?"

"No...."

"Well, DON'T. I'm in Los Angeles.

Where does the time go?

I just realized that I haven't made any kind of post in five days. I was going to make a post after this past weekend's race. What is there to write about a 42nd finish? That just sucked. Out on lap three. A day when JR could really take advantage of Jimmy having a bad day, he has one himself. I guess that keeps the hope alive, barely. The good news out of this past weekend was that Truex is now the points leader for the Busch Series. Time to build on that and run away with the repeat. Now that he has the points lead, look for him to sign that contract for DEI. There is now 13 drivers for the Chase for the Cup. With 10 weeks to go, it is time to start making some ground to get under 400, or pack it in and prepare for next year.

I also have another reason why this post is so late...

NORTONS SUCKS!!!

I received a uh certain type of software from a friend of a friend that had a full version of Nortons. IT STILL SUCKS. I have been attacked by numerous viruses over the past weekend. I am sure if I looked into it more, Nortons is probably the maker of the virus so I would have to pay to get it removed. Well needless to say, I uninstalled Nortons and put AVG back on. Guess what??? It found viruses and also removed them. How about that, a software that actually does what it supposed to freakin do!!! Note to self, AVG is my friend.

Pimp My Bike 2

Pimp My Bike

This Little Piggy Went to the Market

This little piggy went to the market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy Cried “wee-wee-wee” All the way home.

WAIT!!! What in the hell did this piggy do?

New Constellation

This Week In Nascar...

Mark Martin at the Batman Begins 400 at Michigan Speedway

Can you believe it? Dale Jr. actually finished on the lead lap. Hold on tight for this one. He actaully gained ONE POINT on Jimmy Jackass. I was taught in school that a positive is better than a negative. This just might be the turning point for Jr's season. Yeah, we'll see. Next week is a road course. Anything can happen. JR is my driver. I will not give up on him. I have learned to take the good with the bad. So, I am looking for next year to be an awesome year. JR is now 503 points back in 17th.

With eleven weeks till the Chase, there are only eleven drivers left. It looks like the only way that we will have more than ten drivers in the Chase this year is if Jackass and Biffle both have a DNF sometime soon. So much for wishful thinking. Jeff Gordon is the lastest star to drop from eligibility for the Chase. I wonder when the press is going to start writing about and interviewing the shit out of him. The press's boy-wonder is not in the Chase. BOO FREAKIN' HOO!!!

I was pulling for Tony, Sunday. I really thought he was going to pull it off. No problem though. He was the biggest jumper of the week of four spots to 6th, at 311 points back. The biggest dropper of the week that is still in the Chase is Kevin Harvick of three spots to 10th, at 370 points back. Jeff Gordon was the biggest dropper of the week that fell out of the Chase to 12th, at 406 points back.

To Fathers Everywhere...

Happy Father's Day!!!


Father's Day Word Origins

I stood in line for 90 minutes for this moment. Martin Truex Jr #8 Bass Pro Shops - Chance 2 Motorsports (future #1 Bass Pro Shops - Dale Earnhardt Inc)

Grand National Busch Series Rocks

Good Joke or Life Lesson?

My girlfriend and I had been dating happily for over a year when we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my
friends definitely encouraged me. My girlfriend???? She was a dream!

Everything you would want in a woman. There was only one thing bothering
me....... That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, quite attractive,
wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It
had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted ! to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
toward my car in a hurry.

To my surprise, my future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes, he hugged me emphatically and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family son!!!!!"

And the moral of this story is:




Always keep your condoms in your car.

JR Race Chatter

Thanks at least a million and change to the good people who do public relations work for Anheuser-Busch and Dale Earnhardt Jr. for sending this along. Pretty rich stuff.

Best Radio Chatter:
Dale Jr. remained calm, but frustrated, after a second flat tire caused a fairly ominous fire and damage to the left-front corner of the car.
Dale Jr: “Flat tire. Left front’s flat.”
Steve Hmiel (crew chief): “10-4. Gotcha.”
Jimmy Kitchens (spotter): “There’s a lotta sparks. It looks like it’s down on the front sway bar.”
Hmiel: “The left front’s not turnin.’ Let’s get those fire extinguishers…. (to Junior) Do you have brakes? Put that fire out first. Put out the fire… you alright in there June?”
Dale Jr: “’Bout as good as I could be, I guess….”
Hmiel: “Just makin’ sure you’re still breathin’ alright in there.”
Dale Jr.: “What’s cutting the left fronts down?”
Hmiel: “We don’t know. We aren’t crazy on air pressures or camber. It’s the fourth one so far today.”
Dale Jr.: “I’ll ride it to the third flat tire, but then you can get somebody else to get in here for the fourth…”

Can this season get any worse for Junior? It is something every week. You think that the bad luck streak would eventually break. I guess that is also a part of being a die-hard fan. You put up with bad with the good. Last year at this time, JR was first in the points. Well, this year he is in 16th, 504 points back. I think the only thing that could save this season is a bad luck streak for Jimmie Jackass. It doesn't look like that is going to happen. The Hendrick teams have their shit together this year.

Sunday was a bitter sweet day for Carl Edwards (99-Nextel, 60-Busch). He won at Pocono, PA for the Nextel Series. He fell to fourth in the points in the Busch Series because the race was in Nashville, TN and he wasn't there for the race. If Nascar would have started the Busch race Saturday night, even for one lap, Edwards would have been "the driver of record". This would have allowed another driver to drive for him and Edwards to get all the points earned by that driver. But that didn't happen. Reed Sorenson now leads the Busch Series points with Martin Truex Jr and Clint Bowyer 51 points back. Carl is 96 points back.

We are now down to twelve drivers for the Chase. Carl Edwards was the big jumper of five spots to 4th, 303 points back. Tony Stewart was the big dropper of the week of five spots to 10th, 380 points back. With only 12 races left, it doesn't look good for either DEI driver. They both need a lot of help!

Cops are serious these days. It is funny to watch these videos at baitcar.com.

Insanity Defense???

On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Despres.

The following day, a gruesome scene was discovered in Despres’ hometown of Minto, New Brunswick: The decapitated body of a 74-year-old country musician named Frederick Fulton was found on his kitchen floor. The man’s head was in a pillow case under a kitchen table. His common-law wife was discovered stabbed to death in a bedroom.

Coo Coo, Coo Coo!!!

This week in Nascar...

Well, this week sucked for DEI. Now both drivers are out, looking in on the Chase. JR fell out this week due to a 22nd finish. He is now 15ht, 418 points back of Jackass. Michael Waltrip's season isn't getting any better. He sits 17th, 493 back. If it wasn't for bad luck, they would have no luck at all this year. Half of the regular season is now over. This next half has to have a lot happen for these two or just one to make the Chase.

The biggest highlight of the weekend in the Cup was Tony punting Jeff Gordon. He had every right to. If it was the closing laps, I could see blocking for position and points. If you have a slower car during the race, especially that early, move the fuck out of the way. Like Tony said, "All he had to do was move up and let us go and 20 laps later if he was faster we would've let him go right back by." Nascar is turning into a "me first" mentality. Respect and courtesy for other drivers has flown out the window. I think it all started when SR died. There is no one on the track to keep everyone in check. If Tony needs to be the man to do that job, so be it. I will back him almost every time.

I can't list all of his post race quotes. They were all good. I love this quote from Tony because it is the truth.
"Jeff's always whining like that. If somebody does something to Jeff it's always their fault. That's just Jeff Gordon."

It looks as if the best way for some of these drivers to get their season back on track, will be for Biffle and Jackass to wreck into each other. The biggest jumper of the week was Mark Martin of 6 spots. He now sits 6th, 324 back. The biggest dropper of the week was Jeff Gordon of 6 spots. He now sits 11th, 350 back. JR and Jarrett were those that fell out of the Chase.

I know this is from the Busch Series, but I have to get this out. Congrats to Martin Truex Jr on his win this week. That is his third this year. He is now sitting 3rd, 120 points behind Carl Edwards. Keep it up Truex! A repeat championship, just like your car owner, before coming up to the cup would be awesome. Keep digging!!!

Please let this be true

IRAQ: FALLUJAH SHEIKH SAYS AL-ZARQAWI DIED ON FRIDAY

It figures that I read this on a blog before I read it on any MSM website.

Two Dead Blondes

One blond says to another, "how did you die?"

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."